Sunday, April 24, 2011

Why I hate grocery shopping and therefore read romance novels.

Why I hate grocery shopping and therefore read romance novels.

Ok so – I have heard that the woman who likes to grocery shop exists. There are people apparently who love fourteen thousand choices of oatmeal, finding their tampons next to the baby nappies , watching every queue move faster than the one they’re on and feel quite soothed to the piped sounds of Kenny G.

I am not one of these women.

I hate grocery shopping. I have a list of ten reasons why i hate grocery shopping and in no particular order they are:

1. Getting hit on by desperate single men. (You know all those crap 80’s and 90’s films where the men whispered to each other that the best place to land a MILF was the supermarket? They lied)

2. Getting hit on by desperate married men. (Just because we both arrived at the milk fridge at the same time does not mean we are destined to have sex)

3. My child turns into a banshee the second I enter the store. (Is it the air? Is the lighting? My son will toss himself on the floor, kick himself into spinning wheels, and scream the second we get through the turnstiles – and he’s 16 now!)

4. The blue special lighting that makes that lettuce look like Christ-made perfection that could feed five thousand starving Africans. (By the time I get home my lettuce has usually reached the state where it will barely feed us we are so repulsed by it flaccidity.)

5. Getting my car belted in the parking lot. (Every time - read EVERY time)

6. Trolley’s with wayward wheels. (I know they are supposed to have fixed this – super new trolley’s that aren’t possessed by a poltergeist – they haven’t.)

7. The check-out-chick or dude who has to survey all your purchases. (yes yes ok the diet shake mix does not go with the tub of double chocolate caramel ice cream, but hey – aren’t we sort of on the same team here?)

8. Other shoppers. (If there is only one other person in the entire store they will mysteriously have my exact list and be hitting the back of my legs with their trolley “so sorry – oh no, not again – so sorry” – PLUS they will be ahead of me at the checkout with twice the grocery haul)

9. People trying to force feed you product that will give you allergies, retain water in unmentionable places or simply make you retch. (Yes you have the crappiest job on the planet, yes I feel sorry for you, yes I feel guilty that the thought of eating your canned wiener makes me feel violently ill – oh fine – give it to me then. Great thanks, I’ll take 6 cans)

10. Deli staff. (So I’m short and I am never seen, so when I scream out that I want bacon and fetta it is for practical reasons and not a reason to have me removed from the store AGAIN)

Usually at the end of this kind of visit, I need a glass of something soothing and white and the latest and greatest romance novel. Administer for 30-45 mins STAT!

1 comment:

  1. I only go to the grocery store when I look in my fridge and see that all I have to eat is peanut butter and rotten grapes. Never thought of detoxing with romance novels an interesting idea.